This is one of the shittier aspects of being the main dude in your band. I know that it sucks, but you do need to be able to step up and be the asshole. This happens with shitty promoters, sketchy places to stay, con men and all those other fun little things that decorate the music industry. I know that it sucks when you are trying to propagate something, but at the end of the day – someone needs to step up and be responsible for your band and say that not only are you not happy, but if someone isn’t going to start fixing what’s gone wrong then there is going to be a problem. There are a few key ways to be the asshole, but realize that as the main dude of your band, most of the people you play with are probably not going to want to step up. If you are the one who takes responsibility for most of the bands affairs, then don’t expect people to step in and be the hero when shit is starting to go down.
Now there are a couple of ways to handle a thorny situation. People judge you but how well you handle moments that are clusterfucks. They judge you by tour ability to deal with stress and not embarrass yourself. Sometimes people are patient, but they understand that these things can be tricky, so don’t go out and expect everything to fall in your lap. Simultaneously, realize that if you fuck up a little most folks are forgiving. Realize whenever you need to be the asshole that physical threats should be at the very bottom of your handling the situation. In most cases the people who use physical threats are immature and impossible to work with. You don’t want to find yourself affiliated with that. That’s just going to make people want to shit on you more. So don’t even give them that opportunity. Instead take the time to step back and think about how you are going to deal with the problem and realize being the asshole isn’t always a bad thing.
Usually in situations where I have to be the asshole I try to approach things from a friendly place and try to give the person who fucked up the chance to say that they made a genuine mistake. In most cases people will accept an easy out if you give it to them. This is not only the compassionate thing to do, but it it is also the thing that is most likely to preserve your relationship with this person. Frequently I try to frame it as my own confusion, saying something like, “Hey man, quick question for ya…” and then addressing the issue. This gives them a way forward. If they are at all mature or professional this gives them a chance to own up to what happened and then move on. Of course – not everyone chooses to be mature and professional. Some people are going to double down on the problem and claim to not be at fault. Not only are these not the sort of people you want to be affiliated with but this is where you have to break out the ‘dad’ voice and be a dick.
Again – I do my best not to raise my voice at people unless I absolutely have too. If the situation is getting rough, and especially if it involves money I would usually do my best to see if we can get other band members to help. Many bands have an ‘enforcer’. This is not always the main dude, but rather the scariest looking dude. Having the scariest looking dude there to put the offender in their place is always important. It makes things realistic and stops it all from going totally Costa Rica. While I appreciate that there is a certain criminal mentality to this, we are talking about underground music, if you got into this because you like to follow the rules in Sunday school then you can pretty much go fuck yourself. That’s not what we got into this for. Instead, just make sure the person you are being an asshole too sees why you are pissed. Realize they might get butthurt and complain about you to other people, but if you’re right, then what do you have to worry about?
Somewhat paradoxically though, no matter how bad someone tries to screw you over I would strongly recommend against talking shit. You have no clue who is friends with who and it’s a small world. Not only that, but you don’t want people you trust to start to wonder if you are talking about THEM behind their backs. This of course can be a tricky and frustrating thing. If some bad shit did go down I usually just do my best to try and tell close friends what happened and encourage them not to try and hurt this person. Remember, you get out what you put in with music, and if you are a raging penis then other people are going to remember that and be leery eyed when it comes time to work with you. This is part of why sometimes you need to be an asshole, but you need to make sure that you are right, otherwise it could all blow up in your face.
This is not a kind industry and it’s one where you are going to get taken advantage of, there is no way around it unfortunately. That being said – with an even temperament and a willingness to move ahead in a productive way, it’s not going to totally suck. While this is one of the hardest aspects of being a main dude it certainly prepares you for the rest of your life. If you are able to handle these situations nicely then I could see a lot of people in the real world wanting to work with you. It all feeds into each other, so appreciate the maturity that it takes to come out and be the asshole and then work on growing from there.
